My Love Language Is Making Random Noise at All Times

“Hey, bae. You know how your love language is words of aﬃrmation? Well my love language is making noise. Like, if I walk into a room and don’t immediately go “skrrt skrrt,” there’s something wrong.”

— Little Old Lady Comedy, March 2025

Welcome to the White House, Now a Full-Service Ad Agency

“Where other agencies brainstorm, we fight. For literally any reason at all: racism, oil, Summer Fridays. Our marketing strategy is “‘If we break it, you buy it.’”

— Robot Butt, March 2025

LinkedIn Post: Professional Good Luck Charm Now Available for Your Loser of a Sports Team

“No matter what, halfway through the match, I must — I repeat I MUST — clip my toenails. It doesn’t matter if they need to be clipped or not. And whatever I clip must be recycled in the nearest bin, which you will provide.”

— The Daily Drunk Magazine, November 2020

Sad Little Trees: Bob Ross Talks Climate Change

“Let’s move on to our final painting of the day. In our last episode, we painted Secluded Forest, as you may recall. But over the weekend, a group of people burned it down for a gender-reveal party. So to honor that land, we’re gonna recreate what happened.”

— Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, February 2021

I’m a REAL Ugly Sweater, And You’re Just A Mass-Produced Piece of Holiday Brouhaha

“Admit it. You’re a one-hit wonder. Meanwhile, I was handmade with longevity in mind by a sweet old Minnesota grandmother named Josephine, who waterboarded me in a bucket and beat me with a broom daily.”

— The Daily Drunk Magazine, December 2020

Steinbeck’s Journal Entries During The 1918 Spanish Flu

“I dreamt of Cathy again last night. She wore a thin mouth covering you could almost see through. I awoke before I got to first base.”

— Little Old Lady Comedy, March 2021

Introducing the Carbe Diem Diet (Latin for ‘Eat Whatever the Fuck You Want’)

“Sure, abs are cool, but have you tried bread? Grab a fresh loaf and cut it into five, big-ass slices. Take out your preferred condiment. Mine happens to be mashed potatoes.”

— Robot Butt, January 2021

An Open Letter To My Childhood Toy That I Clearly Still Have Feelings For

“You were the first toy to set my lady-garden on fire. And the way you kept hinting at tea-bagging without actually saying it, I know you were burning with desire too.”

— Little Old Lady Comedy, November 2020

Carole Baskin Here, With New TikTok Dances For The Cats

“I’ve seen the TikTok dance some of you guys made, saying I killed my late husband. So I created my own to show you how I would have done it if I had done it, which I didn’t, but if I had, this is how.”

— Slackjaw, November 2020

Marty's Last Letter to Doc Brown, So He Can Get Back to the Present

“Dear Doc, I’m writing to you from the present. You’re probably somewhere in the future. Or the past. Past…future…what’s the difference, am I right? ”

— Points In Case, November 2020

**Excerpts From Proud and Prejudiced, Jane Austen’s Novel About Trump’s Exile To Florida**

“He drew the attention of the room with his short, orange stature and small, fleshy features. Mrs. Peppercorn, head of housekeeping, found him to be ‘rather stupidish.’ Not agreeable at all, in fact, until the day he grabbed her by the gentlewoman area, an act she allowed on account of his fame and superiority.”

— Little Old Lady Comedy, December 2020