You guys! I didn’t realize it until now but I’ve been Celine Dion this entire time. Of course, this may come as a surprise to some of you and you probably have lots of questions. Like what does this mean for the other Celine Dion? Am I okay? Or how the heck did I just find out that I'm the most influential pop artist of all time? These are all good questions.
While I’m not sure what me being Celine Dion does to her career, we can all agree she’s a robot created by the Canadian government. And since I am not a robot-singing machine, I’m not planning on competing with Celine Dion Sr., or her Vegas show. I have more of a Celine Dion circa 1996 thing going on anyway. My performances will hit even harder with the cheesy theatrical vocals and uncontrollable arm movements.
Please try and contain your excitement. I know having two Celine Dions means a lot of things for this little world of ours. It means more free hugs, more big spoons, more excessive tears and more moments of silent reflection.
Now for the bigger question lingering in your mind: how did I discover this second identity? Well, as all of you know, I’m a self-proclaimed karaoke queen. So when American Idol ended the first time, I marched myself on down to one of those serious karaoke joints where you’re not allowed to suck. And I wrote down a song no one in her right mind would sing: “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” As I started to serenade whatever would listen, it literally started coming back to me. I remembered that I too am Celine Dion.
People gathered around, giving me their energy, and I got caught up in the music. That’s when I blacked out. At first I thought I might be stuck in an elevator or lost in the fruit section of a grocery store. But then I saw the light. I was in a Celine Dion music video and it was playing full screen right in my head. I envisioned that I was in an unfurnished room in a big, creepy mansion surrounded by floral wallpaper and wrapped in silk robes. I was walking around in figure eights trying to dodge all the dangerously-lit candles scattered across the floor.
It was in that moment that I realized all of Celine Dion’s songs are about sex. And even though it’s a romantic kind of sex, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much more entertaining her songs would be at a strip club. Then, right when I was at the peak of figuring out all the things Celine would never do again but that always seemed right, I came to. I looked around and saw I wasn't in a music video after all. I was standing in the middle of a dark stage in a dirty karaoke lounge.
One dude was crying. Another was initiating a group hug with the plants by the restroom and a couple in the back were getting married. One person had laid out a blanket on the floor in front of me and was starting to chow down on a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream. And, deep down, I knew who I was. So I gave them two chest pounds. And now here we are.
I wanted you to be the first to know that this changes everything, seeing as I’m a megastar now. I will, of course, be going back to my former name and reclaiming my Canadian citizenship. I’ll also need to end my relationship with pants, as I’ll be trading them in for only the finest of ballroom gowns.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m working on a few new songs your mom is going to love. Oh, and if you’d like me to sing at your school dance or grandma’s birthday party, please reach out to my agent. I’m available any day but Tuesday.
On Tuesdays, I’m Alanis Morissette.
And that's the way it is.