A cartoon character for a cartoon character

People call me a cartoon character. So I made one. Unfortunately, she doesn't do my funny faces or ridiculous accents. 

Ashlee Simpson is the Devil

You might be wondering why I would have it out for such a nice gal like Ashlee Simpson. It's simple. Ashlee Simpson stole my SNL limelight the night she decided to fake sing on national television. I was an extra in a skit called the Cool Police starring Ashlee, Jude Law and the whole shebang. Lo and behold, Ashlee pulled her famous Milli Vanilli act, the skit got cut, and my friends thought I was a fraud. Ever since that day, I decided to hate all the pieces of Ashlee Simpson forever. 

Maya Rudolph and I Shared a Bathroom Break

There I was, in a bathroom stall backstage at SNL, minding my own business, when someone walked in singing the theme song from Sanford and Sons. So of course I sang along. Little did I know, it was Maya Rudolph. I'm pretty sure she was hoping for Amy Poehler to open up my big stall door. Because when I came bursting out, she gave me a crinkly-nosed, who-the-heck-are-you look. The next five seconds were filled with complete awkward silence as I washed my hands and she made a quick exit. I'm hoping I get to make a better second impression someday.

Watch Me, NaNa

Growing up, my next door neighbor was a girl named NaNa. One day, NaNa brought her Barbies over and let me borrow her favorite one for an overnight sleepover. Needless to say, Barbie and I never made it to the sleepover. We went on an afternoon adventure that ended in an alien abduction. NaNa found Barbie’s head the next morning hanging from the tree out front and the rest of her body on top of the house. I told her the whole UFO story but she didn’t believe me. Instead, she screamed at me for however long it took my dad to get the ladder out and reclaim Barbie's body parts. Sadly, NaNa never spoke to me again after that day. Twenty-five years later, someone wrote a song about whipping and nae nae-ing and all I could think was: finally, Barbie’s story got its anthem. 

Amy Sue Hsu

When I got married, I considered changing my name for humor’s sake. You see, being raised in the south, I was often referred to as Amy Sue. Lucky for me, my husband’s last name is Hsu. Which means I could have been Amy Sue Hsu, guys - the Asian and Southern one. Too bad I was never big on changing my name. So I stuck with Amy Travis, instead. You can still call me Amy Sue Hsu, though.

Can a Girl Just Get a Ham and Cheese Sandwich, Already?

One morning, I woke up with a strong craving for a ham and cheese sandwich. And within five minutes, I found myself in a pickle. Because unfortunately I was in Spain and I don’t speak Spanish. But the worst part was that on my way out of the hotel, my boss asked me to grab her, and I quote, “something with no meat and no cheese.” So I did what any uneducated American would do. I walked to the restaurant across the street, pointed at the ham and cheese picture on the menu and told the guy behind the counter I wanted one of those. Then I told him that I also needed a sandwich with no ham and no cheese. And he just shook his head no and held up a loaf of bread because he thought I was the one who wanted no meat and no cheese on my ham and cheese sandwich. But what he didn’t understand is that I had two orders that couldn't be more different. So I just grabbed some ketchup packets and showed myself out. I still think about that dreadful day every time I have a ham and cheese sandwich.

I didn’t know how to do a space-object email so I went with the phone. Yes, I know that’s not the correct way to hold a space-object phone. Regardless, if you’d like to hear more stories, don’t call. Email me at abtravis@gmail.com. Later, skater.